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Tell friends & colleagues about virus hoaxes the easy way

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Stereotypes about retail antivirus software

• The best antivirus software is only available as a retail product
  • It's worth every penny you spent (and then some!) the instant you find a virus
    • Shower your choice of antivirus software with words related to lifesaving, e.g. "this program actually saved my job when it detected a harmless virus on my office computer"
  • Retail companies offer antivirus programs for download at no charge because they genuinely want to protect the worldwide computing infrastructure
    • Internet users need protection far more than non-Internet users because that's where almost all viruses come from
    • And of course Internet users will pirate what they can't get for free, so the antivirus companies threw up their hands in defeat a long time ago
  • The fact you can download & test a retail antivirus program before purchase doesn't mean it's shareware -- it just means the company follows a new paradigm called "electronic distribution"
• Antivirus software marketed as shareware is inferior to retail products
  • Obviously, antivirus software needs a whole development team instead of just one guy working out of his parents' basement [see stereotypes about shareware vs. retail software]
  • Retail companies won't destroy their credibility by putting an inferior (possibly even dangerous!) shareware antivirus package on store shelves

Stereotypes about how viruses get around

• If your computer can access the Internet and you detect a virus, then you contracted the virus from the Internet, no doubt about it
  • If somebody claims the virus never could have reached your computer via the Internet, it means a malicious hacker somehow forced the virus into your computer from across the Internet
• If you have an account with CompuServe or America Online, and you vaguely remember using it in the last month or so, then you contracted the virus specifically from them while paying outragiously high connection fees
  • You should complain loudly in public messages how their workers need to start scanning for viruses because (as everybody knows) the Internet has suffered from a serious virus epidemic since Day One
  • Check your computer for viruses after you post these complaints -- a malicious hacker may have forced a virus into your computer from across the Internet while you were logged on

Stereotypes about how to use antivirus software

• You don't need to scan the master disks for an expensive retail program
• You don't need to scan a CD-ROM disk
• You don't need to scan a blank, newly formatted IBM PC floppy disk
• Always scan for viruses after the fact -- after installing new software, after running programs from a floppy disk, and so on
  • Always update your antivirus software after the fact, too
• If your computer starts acting weird all of a sudden, check it immediately for viruses
  • Don't delay: every nanosecond counts!
  • If the weirdness looks like it occurred for a reason having nothing to do with viruses, go ahead and scan for viruses anyway (hey, you never know)

Stereotypes about antivirus software "false alarms"

• False-positive reports ("you have a virus!")
  • If a retail antivirus product says your computer has a virus, then you have a virus, no doubt about it
  • If you get an extremely rare false-positive -- and it triggered coincidentally on a shareware program -- then you should blame the shareware author for causing the false alarm
    • Tell him which antivirus product you use so he can work with the company to prevent future false alarms
• False-negative reports ("didn't find a virus")
  • If your antivirus software doesn't report a virus but you still experience weird computer behavior, it means your computer has a brand-new, as-yet-undetectable virus
• Conflicting reports when using multiple antivirus products
  • Use multiple antivirus programs -- it provides a "fail safe" measure in case one of them misses a virus on your computer
  • If only one of your three antivirus programs claims you have a virus, then you need to obtain updates for the other two programs

Stereotypes about finding a virus on your computer

• You are now, by definition, the "office virus expert"
  • The guy in the next cubicle (who practices safe computing) is a nobody
  • Ask your boss for permission to go around scanning everybody else's computer for viruses
  • If a skeptical co-worker questions your advice, say "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I've been there..."
• Backups
  • If you have a backup of your valuable data, the virus is obviously backed up with it and this means your backups are utterly worthless
  • If you don't have a backup of your valuable data, it doesn't matter anyway. The virus would have been backed up with the rest of your valuable data, making it all utterly worthless