Rob's random thoughts on the passing scene

"Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris."

Hey, do you like my opinions? Let me know! Don't like what I have to say? Tell it to somebody who feels your pain.

Listen to Rob explain why America must serve as the world's police force!

Rob's ultimate disclaimer

Read this before proceeding further... -- the management

Movie spoilers

Hey, will I ruin things for you if I disclose the ending for various movies?

Cinderella -- the shoe fits
Crying Game, Psycho -- the chick's a guy
Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Day of the Triffods -- billions of humans die, Earth eventually triumphs over the aliens (all of whom die), and the people of Earth wind up stronger for their valiant effort
Star Wars III -- Luke becomes the SuperJedi, his dad finds eternal salvation in the last few seconds of his life, Leia & Han finally hit it off, and all the midget Chewbaccas crown Chewbacca as their king
How the Grinch Stole Christmas -- the Grinch ... yes, the Grinch! ... carved the roast beast

Okay, I won't spoil the ending for these movies, but I'll certainly inflict my comments on you:

Batman IV -- I went to the theater expecting to see Hunt for Red October but I wound up watching McHale's Navy instead
Event Horizon -- a horror movie incorrectly labeled as a sci-fi flick
Fifth Element -- absolutely childish plot does not get in the way of the movie
Men in Black -- Mr. Smith & Mr. Jones exude effortless cool

Voice recognition software

I'll buy into voice recognition software when it can properly recognize the following spoken phrase:

"Write to the right Mrs. Wright. Tell her I'll see her in aisle C where we'll wear our most dear deer leathers while we pare a pair of pears."

"Standard" orbit? How boring

I watched another Star Trek: The Next Generation episode and, sure enough, Picard told Crusher to park the Enterprise in a "standard orbit" around some planet. You hear the same thing in every Star Trek series -- Captain (insert name here) says "standard orbit" to the space pilot.

Why always a standard orbit? Why not an atypical orbit for once? Now, I don't mean those stupid "let's hide in the polar magnetic field so the baddies won't find us" orbits -- I mean, why not blow a minute of dialog in the opening teaser with something cute? Something like...

Riker: "You know, Captain, the planetary mapping team picked up some new toys during our visit to Starbase 173..."
Picard: "Ah, and they'll want to play with them as soon as possible I assume."
Riker: "Well, the geologic team leader did mention it to me in passing at the staff luncheon."
Picard: "I bet he did. Perhaps a non-standard orbit would give them an opportunity to test their new toys?"
Riker: "My thoughts exactly, sir."
Picard: "Very good. Make it so, Number One."
Riker: "Ensign, set us in a high elliptic orbit around the planet. Take us over as much land mass as possible."
Picard (smiling): "Oh, and tell the geologic team leader I want a full report on how the tests went."
Riker: "I'm sure he'll be happy to talk your ear off, sir..." (fade to commercial)

Well! Seems my Star Trek script caught the attention of an Air Force Academy graduate who majored in space operations. You see, in my original text, Riker told the space pilot to park the Enterprise "in a low elliptic orbit." The space-ops guy offered a graphic drawing (in freehand no less!) showing the difference between low-elliptic and near-geostationary orbital paths.

Clearly, Riker would request a high elliptic orbit to cover as much land mass as possible. This first-generation Trekker stands most humbly corrected! Hi-res photograph of a really cool-looking carpenter's "L"

Stealth bombers

Only an engineer could design such a weird-looking aircraft. Where did they get the idea? Did some engineer dweeb stumble onto it while fixing a bathroom door? "Hey, I betcha Lockheed would go for a bomber shaped like this carpenter's L..."

Or did somebody return from a trip to Australia? "Wow! If I take this carpenter's L and fling it, it'll fly out real far and come right back! That's a McDonnell-Douglas requirement for a military plane, right? The 'come back' part I mean..."

Oxymoronic today, aren't we?

Do you get a 'numb feeling' whenever somebody says 'liberal Republican'? Click here.

Thanks, I'll have a Subway instead

Taco Bell doesn't operate a website. Why not? For a bunch of guys who ran full-page April Fools' ads claiming they purchased the "Taco Liberty Bell," you'd at least think these guys would launch their own domain name. But no. Try surfing to www.tacobell.com, you'll see what I mean.

Subway runs a corporate website. I think I'll have a white foot-long Spicy Italian. ("Sub," I mean!) And speaking of April Fools', does anybody remember the "Lincoln-Mercury Memorial" ad?

Hmmm. I see Wendy's runs a cute website too. Dave Thomas probably has a better cash flow than Taco Bell.

Hurray! Taco Bell finally launched their website. "Duh." About time, guys...

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Remember that.

The 43% of you out there at Scott AFB who read this web page on government time... get back to work!

www.rosenberger.com

Somebody grabbed the www.rosenberger.com domain before me. That's cold, man. (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun.) Click on the image to drop by their website -- and tell 'em I sent you!

"Common sense is not a legitimate defense, Your Honor"

I ate at the Shaw, SC Burger King. It cost 40 cents to put cheese on a Whopper^®, but it only cost 30 cents to put cheese on a Double Whopper^®. I suppose they use imported American cheese on a Whopper^®...
Why do so many restaurants (including the Burger King mentioned above) post signs saying "We welcome dogs leading the blind." Bark bark! Good dog, thanks for reading the sign for me...
Speaking of which, the Arby's restaurant in Fairview Heights, IL posts a sign saying "braille and large print menus available." Again I ask: who will read this?
I purchased a box of Presto^® clear plastic wrap. I opened the package -- and found a set of instructions printed under the lid. "To start roll: open lid, avoiding sharp edge..." Ouch! Oh, there's the instructions...
AT&T sent me a ten-page phone bill in November 1996. Three calls, $6.74 total. Ten pages?
I ate at the Scott, IL Burger King. It cost 99 cents for a Whopper^®. I didn't feel too hungry, so I ordered a Whopper^® Jr. The clerk charged me $1.29. "Can't I get it for 99 cents?" Nope, sorry. So I said "oaky, give me a Whopper^®." The clerk charged me 99 cents.

The other online services agree, Bill

The Microsoft Network presented this message to me on 11 July 96 at 10pm (central time). I'll let you come up with your own jokes!

MSN suffers from too many users. Mr. Gates encourages you to use CompuServe instead.

And speaking of Microsoft, their corporate home page dismissed me as too little to merit their attention. Check out the message they presented to me on 5 Mar 97 at 6pm (central time):

Microsoft too busy to bother with the likes of you.

And did you know Microsoft likes to put a limit on the number of people who use their products? Check out the message they presented to me on 21 May 97 at 8am (central time) when I tried to download free software from their website:

Mottos du jour

Did Dr. Heisenberg actually confirm his Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?
-- Rob

The difference between a reason and an excuse? Simple: I can always give you a reason for something. I can't always give you an excuse.
-- Rob

Check out Daphne in any Scooby Doo cartoon. She always keeps her head tilted in a sensual way, like she wants to bat her eyelashes at Fred or something. Ever wonder what those two do alone together in the Mystery Mobile?
-- Rob

I just can't seem to remember to download that memory-enhancing tutorial software...
-- Rob

Can't resist the thought
of SPAM e-mail with haiku.
I flood your mailbox!
-- Rob Rosenberger's entry #5709, SPAM haiku archives

"Do, or do not. There is no try."
-- Yoda (from the movie Star Wars: the Empire Strikes Back)

"Winning isn't everything, but I didn't come here to lose."
-- unknown

"Real men can be scientists, sure. They study the science of ballistics. You know: guns."
-- unknown

Two psychologists pass in the hallway. One nods and says "hi." The other thinks to himself, "I wonder what he meant by that...?"
-- unknown

"I perplex others not because I am clear, but because I am utterly perplexed myself."
-- Socrates

"He won't quit because you know there's no such word as 'fail' to Tom Slick!"
-- from the 'Tom Slick' theme song

"Everybody loves their own kids. I don't like your kids any more than you like my cigarettes. In fact, your kids are the reason I smoke."
-- Bill Maher

"You know you're a programmer when you stare at an orange juice carton because it says 'concentrate.' "
-- unknown

"When criminals in this world appear, and break the laws that they should fear, and frighten all who see or hear, the cry goes up both far and near, for Underdog!"

"Programmer: a biological device which converts caffeine into computer software."
-- unknown

"I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time."
-- Steven Wright

"I lost a button hole today.."
-- Steven Wright

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
-- Steven Wright

"I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eyeglasses ran out..."
-- Steven Wright

"Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
-- Steven Wright

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
-- Steven Wright

"I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-- Steven Wright

"I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house."
-- Steven Wright

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving."
-- Steven Wright

"I went fishing with a dotted line. I caught every other fish."
-- Steven Wright

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
-- Steven Wright

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
-- George Carlin

"What's another word for 'synonym'?"
-- George Carlin

"Why do they report power outages on TV?"
-- George Carlin

"I used a computer to suggest a new hi-tech name for your company. The program randomly combines words from astronomy and electronics. The first choice is 'Uranus-Hertz.' "
-- Dogbert

"That's how I want to die: like my grandfather. In his sleep, peaceful. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car..."
-- Garrison Keillor

"If we continue our chess analogy, this person has just checkmated us by vomiting on the board. He won, but oh! the mess."
-- the folks at Cool Site of the Day

"Madness continues to take its toll. Please have exact change."
-- unknown

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."
-- unknown

"Death is nature's way of saying you're fired."
-- unknown

"Entropy just isn't what it used to be."
-- unknown

"Mediocrity thrives on standardization."
-- unknown

"Why does 'monosyllable' have five?"
-- unknown

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
-- unknown

"Irony is just hypocracy with style."
-- unknown

"When everything is coming your way, it means you're in the wrong lane."
-- unknown

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
-- unknown

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
-- unknown

"24 hours in a day. 24 cans of beer in a case. Coincidence?"
-- unknown

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
-- unknown

"How do you know when you run out of invisible ink?"
-- unknown

"I had to remove the battery from your virtual pet, honey. It had cyber-rabies."
-- unknown

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
-- unknown

"I'm a wanna-be inventor. I'm still working on my perpetual motion machine. Ironically, I can't seem to stop."
-- Scott Adams

"I write SPAM haiku.
Day and night, nothing but SPAM...
I need to get laid.
--Jonathan Black

"Ebbs, ergo err nor."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Born, ergo errs be."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Boners beg error."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Beers err nor bog."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Robes err nor beg."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Beer bong errors."
-- an anagram of Rob's name

"Rob Rosenberger, Courageous Divisitor of the Sacred Zero"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Brian Wells, Dogbert's Plausibly Deniable Vessel of Retribution"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Stu Smith, General Under-Secretary of Double-Entendres"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Cat Pittard, Empress Emeritus"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Shawn Mikulay, Associate Assistant to the Adjunct"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"John Berg, Minister Of Acronyms and Nomenclature (MOAN)"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Timothy Kimble, Impaler Of The Empowered"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"David Gede, Minister of Un-Finished Busin..."
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Carl Nelson, Chief Electron Trainer"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Wayne Goode, Official Photographer and Lead Guitarist"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Ron Collings, Minister Of Procras... Ahh, I'll finish this later"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Jeffrey Harris, Minister of Oral Flatulence Detection"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Heather Garvey, Mother Superior of St. Dogbert's School of Worshipper Fleecing"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Jensine Kendall, Supreme Guardian of the Nerf Gun Arsenal [Sales Division]"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Todd Perkins, Minister of Impressively Sharp and Pointy Things"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"David Thompson, Minister of Flickering Fluorescent Lights"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Rob Reynolds, Minister of Emerging Tape Dispenser Technology"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Paula Goodall, Minister of Generating Web Dates Without Effort"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"John Hawkins, Minister for the relocation and rehabilitation of Post-It^(tm) pads"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"David Feller, Viscount of Improbable Consequences"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Jill Johnson, Most Esteemed Goddess of Dental Awareness"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Rochelle Chernikoff, Duchess of Hydrogen"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Ed Dravecky, Minister of Unread Documentation"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Rolando Ramirez, Iguanocyclist"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"David Randolph, Minister of Atrocities"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"Ronan Connolly, Minister for Revenge"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

"David Lambert, Lord Chancellor of Telephone Cord Detangling"
-- one of many official titles available at DNRC

But seriously, folks...

Shattering paradigms

Outmoded paradigms hinder society's advancement, and Denise & Rob identify a few which need shattering.

Rob's dentist

I hate dentists... but I hate my current dentist the least. Dr. Michele Covington-Aubert-Williams (or whatever she calls herself since getting married) does an absolutely fantastic job -- as you can tell by the "Proctor & Gamble 1991 Dental Team of the Year" plaque in her waiting room. Plus she's stunningly beautiful as you can tell by her Yellow Pages ad. (Hi Dr. Michele!) She practices in Swansea: I urge you to switch dentists immediately. Oh, and ask her for a stick of cinammon-flavored sugarfree gum (an inside joke).

By the way, her gorgeous sister, Kim Covington, used to work as a reporter for St. Louis channel 11. Then she got promoted to channel 5. Now she works in Michigan as an anchor. Congrats on the promotion, Kim!

George Burns, 1896-1996

I mourn George Burns' death. He made his mark in vaudeville before the advent of commercial radio. He married Gracie Allen, the love of his life, and -- though you saw him in later years with Las Vegas bombshells -- Burns regularly visited Gracie's gravesite and he never remarried. In a politically correct nation where you can't look at a photo of Dean Martin without flinching at his trademark cigarette, Burns loved cigars to the very end and you never really criticized his one little vice.

The final curtain has fallen for a true comedy legend: woe are we to never see his like again.

Listen to what George Burns told St. Peter at the Pearly Gates!

I hope Cigar Aficionado runs a huge cover story on your life, George. Tell Gracie I said hello.

You wonder why I despise the media?

The mainstream press lost touch with society years ago. Don't believe me? Read this eye-opening report by James Fallow, Washington editor for Atlantic Monthly magazine. See if you don't agree.

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